QUOTES: Dorothy Parker

The Witticisms of Dorothy Parker

A long-standing feud between two famous wits, Clare Booth Luce and Dorothy

Parker, was illustrated one evening when both met at the door of a nightclub.

Luce motioned parker through with "Age before beauty." “

Parker retorted with "And pearls before swine."

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Florence King: "Fear of being called a castrating female makes the majority of women rein themselves in and blunt their remarks lest they say to a man, as Dorothy Parker did,

‘With the crown of thorns that I wear, why should I worry about a little prick like you?’"

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Robert Benchley and Ms. Parker shared an office early in their careers and supposedly shared a cable address, "Parkbench."

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A favorite game of Dorothy Parker's Algonquin Group was to challenge a member to use in a sentence. For instance: Parker was given "horticulture."

Her sentence? "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."

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After an abortion, Parker told a friend, "That's what I get for putting all my eggs in one bastard."

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At a dinner party (probably at the Algonquin Hotel), a man excused himself from the table saying that he had to use the restroom. When he was safely out of earshot, Parker said, "He really had to use the telephone but was just too embarrassed to say so!"

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Dorothy Parker was know to answer her door muttering, "What fresh hell is this?"

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Ms. Parker is supposed to have had an office that had very little traffic until she had the word "Gentlemen" put on her door.

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A girl's best friend is her mutter.

How could I possibly overthrow the government when I can't even keep my dog down?

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and to let the air out of the tires.

BOHEMIA

Authors and actors and artists and such

Never know nothing and never know much.

Sculptors and singers and those of their kidney,

Tell their affairs from Seattle to Sydney.

Playwrights and poets and such horse's necks

Start off from anywhere, end up at sex.

Diarists, critics, and similar roe

Never say nothing and never say no.

People Who Do Things exceed my endurances;

God, for a man that solicits insurance.

Coda

There's little in taking or giving,

There's little in water or wine;

This living, this living, this living,

Was never a project of mine.

Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is

The gain of the one at the top.

For art is a form of catharsis,

And love is a permanent flop,

And work is the province of cattle,

And rest's for a clam in a shell,

So I'm thinking of throwing the battle--

Would you kindly direct me to hell?

COMMENT

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

A medley of extemporanea;

And love is a thing that can never go wrong,

And I am Marie of Romania.

DE PROFUNDIS

Oh, is it, then, utopian

To hope that I may meet a man

Who'll not relate, in accents suave,

The tales of girls he used to have?

EXPERIENCE

Some men break your heart in two,

Some men fawn and flatter.

Some men never look at you;

And that cleans up the matter.

EPIGRAMS

Alexander Dumas and His Son:

Although I work and seldom cease,

at Dumas pere and Dumas fils,

Alas, I cannot make me care

for Dumas fils and Dumas pere.

Charles Dickens:

Who call him spurious and shoddy

Shall do it o'er my lifeless body.

I heartily invite such birds

To come outside and say these words!

George Sands:

What time the gifted lady took

Away from papers, pen, and ink,

She spent in amorous dalliance

(They do these things so well in France.)

Oscar Wilde:

If, with the literti, I am

Impelled to try an epigram,

I never seek to take the credit.

We all assume that Oscar said it.

FAUTE de MIEUX

Travel, trouble, music, art,

A kiss, a frock, a rhyme-

I never said they feed my heart,

But still they pass my time.

FIGHTING WORDS

Say my love is easy had,

Say I'm bitten raw with pride,

Say I am too often sad--

Still behold me at your side.

Say I'm neither brave nor young,

Say I woo and coddle care,

Say the devil touched my tongue--

Still you have my heart to wear.

But say my verses do not scan,

And I get me another Man!

THE FLAW IN PAGANISM

Drink and dance and laugh and lie,

Love, the reeling midnight through,

For tomorrow we shall die!

(But, alas, we never do!)

FRUSTRATION

If I had a shiny gun,

I could have a world of fun

Speeding bullets through the brains

of the folks who give me pains;

Or had I some poison gas,

I could make the moments pass

Bumping off a number of

People whom I do not love.

But I have no lethal weapon~~

Thus does Fate our pleasure step on!

So they still are quick and well

Who should be, by rights, in hell.

GENERAL REVIEW OF THE SEX SITUATION

Woman wants monogamy;

Man delights in novelty.

Love is woman's moon and sun;

Man has other forms of fun.

Woman lives but in her lord;

Count to ten, and man is bored.

With this the gist and sum of it,

What earthly good can come of it?

GODSPEED

Oh, see, my love, your newer way;

I'll not be left in sorrow.

So long as I have yesterday,

Go take your damned tomorrow!

INDIAN SUMMER

In youth, it was a way I had

To do my best to please,

And change, with every passing lad,

To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know,

And do the things I do;

And if you do not like me so,

To hell, my love, with you!

INTERVIEW

The ladies men admire, I've heard,

Would shudder at a wicked word.

Their candle gives a single light;

They'd rather stay at home at night.

They do not keep awake till three.

Nor read erotic poetry.

They never sanction the impure.

Nor recognize an overture.

They shrink from powders and from paints.

So far, I have had no complaints.

L’ENVOI

Oh, beggar or prince, no more, no more!

Be off and away with your strut and show.

The sweeter the apple the blacker the core--

Scratch a lover, and find a foe!

L’ENVOI

Princes, never I'd give offense,

Won't you think of me tenderly?

Here's my strength and my weakness, gents--

I loved them until they loved me.

L’ENVOI

Prince, a precept I'd leave for you,

Coined in Eden, existing yet:

Skirt the parlor, and shun the zoo-

Women and elephants never forget.

L'ENVOI

Prince or commoner, tenor or bass,

Painter or plumber or never-do-well,

Do me a favor and shut your face~~

Poets alone should kiss and tell.

MEN

They hail you as their morning star

Because you are the way you are.

If you return the sentiment,

They'll try to make you different;

And once they have you, safe and sound,

They want to change you all around.

Your moods and ways they put a curse on;

They'd make of you another person.

They cannot let you go your gait;

They influence and educate.

They'd alter all that they admire.

They make me sick, they make me tired.

Neither Bloody Nor Bowed

They say of me, and so they should,

It's doubtful if I come to good.

I see friends and acquaintances

Accumulating dividends,

And making enviable names

In science, art, and parlor games.

But I, despite expert advice,

Keep doing things I think are nice.

And though to good I never come~~

Inseparable my nose and thumb!

NEWS ITEM

Men seldom make passes

at girls who wear glasses.

Observation

If I don't drive around the park,

I'm pretty sure to make my mark.

If I'm in bed each night by ten,

I might get back my looks again.

If I abstain from fun and such,

I'll probably amount to much:

But I shall stay the way I am

Because I do not give a damn.

Philosophy

If I should labor through daylight and dark,

Consecrate, valorous, serious, true,

There on the world I may blazon my mark;

And what if I don't, and what if I do?

Pictures in the Smoke

Oh, gallant was the first love, and glittering and fine;

The second love was water, in a clean white cup;

The third love was his, and the fourth was mine;

And after that , I always get them all mixed up.

Prologue to a Saga

Maidens, gather not the yew,

Leave the glossy myrtle sleeping;

Any lad was born untrue,

Never a one is fit your weeping.

Pretty dears, your tumult cease;

Love's a fardel, burthening double.

Clear your hearts and have you peace--

Gangway, girls: I'll show you trouble!

Prophetic Soul

Because your eyes are slant and slow,

Because your hair is sweet to touch,

My heart is high again; but oh,

I doubt if this will get me much.

Resume

Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramps.

Guns aren't lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live.

Social Note

Lady, lady, should you meet

One whose ways are all discreet,

One who murmurs that his wife

Is the lodestar of his life,

One who keeps assuring you

That he never was untrue,

Never loved another one . . .

Lady, lady, better run!

Story

"And if he's gone away," said she,

"Good riddance, if you're asking me.

I'm not a one to lie awake

And weep for anybody's sake.

There's better lads than him about!

I'll wear my buckled slipers out

A-dancing till the break of day.

I'm better off with him away!

And if he never come," said she,

"Now what on earth is that to me?

I wouldn't have him back!"

I hope

Her mother washed her mouth with soap.

Summary

Every love's the love before

In a duller dress.

That's the measure of my lore--

Here's my bitterness:

Would I knew a little more,

Or very much less!

SWEET VIOLETS

You are brief and frail and blue--

Little sisters, I am, too.

You are Heaven's masterpieces-

Little loves, the likeness ceases.

SYMTOM RECITAL

I do not like my state of mind;

I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.

I hate my legs, I hate my hands,

I do not yearn for lovelier lands.

I dread the dawn's recurrent light;

I hate to go to bed at night.

I snoot at simple, honest folk.

I cannot take the gentlest joke.

I find no peace in paint or type.

My world is but a lot of tripe.

I'm disillusioned, empty~breasted

For what I think, I'd be arrested.

I am not sick, I am not well.

My quandom dreams are shot to hell.

My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;

I do not like me anymore.

I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.

I ponder on the narrow house.

I shudder at the thought of men . . .

I'm due to fall in love again.

THEORY

Into Love and out again,

Thus I went, and thus I go.

Spare your voice, and hold your pen--

Well and bitterly I know

All the songs were ever sung.

All the words were ever said;

Could it be, when I was young,

Some one dropped me on my head?

THEY PART

And if, my friends you'd have it end,

There's naught to hear or tell,

But need you try to black my eye

In wishing me farewell?

Though I admit an edged wit

In woe is warranted,

May I be frank? . . . Such words as " . . . "

Are better left unsaid.

There's rosemary for you and me;

But is it usual, dear,

To hire a man and fill a van

By way of souvenir.

TWO-VOLUME NOVEL

The sun's gone dim, and

The moon's turned black;

For I loved him, and

He didn't love back.

UNFORTUNATE COINCIDENCE

By the time you swear you're his,

Shivering and sighing,

And he vows his passion is

Infinite, undying--

Lady, make a note of this:

One of you is lying.

WORDS OF COMFORT TO BE

SCRATCHED ON A MIRROR

Helen of Troy had a wandering glance;

Sappo's restriction was only the sky;

Ninon was ever the chatter of France;

But oh, what a good girl am I!