The Waltz is just one of Dorothy Parker's short stories but Maven has enjoyed it since
her own College Days~
Why, thank you so much. I'd adore to.
I don't want to dance with him. I don't want to dance with anybody. And even if I did, it wouldn't be him. He'd
be well down among the last ten. I've seen the way he dances; it looks like something
you do on Saint Walplurgia Night. Just think, not a quarter of an hour ago, here
I was sitting, felling so sorry for the poor girl he was dancing with. And now
I'm going to be the poor girl. Well,
well. Isn't it a small world?
And a peach of a world, too. A true little corker. Its events are so fascinatingly unpredictable, are not they? Here
I was minding my own business, not doing a stitch of harm to any living soul. And
then he comes into my life, all smiles and city manners, to sue me for the favor of one memorable mazurka. Why, he scarcely
knows my name, let alone what it stands for. It stands for Despair, Bewilderment, Futility, Degradation, and Premeditated
Murder, but little does he wot. I don't wot his name, either; I haven't any idea
what it is. Jukes, would be my guess from the look in his eyes. How do you do, Mr. Jukes? And how is that dear little brother of yours, with the two heads?
Ah, now why did he have to come around me, with his low requests? Why
can't he let me lead my own life? I ask so little-- just to be left alone in
my quiet corner of the table, to do my evening brooding over all my sorrows. And
he must come, with his bows and his scrapes and his may-I-have-this-ones. And I had to go and tell him that I'd adore to dance
with him. I cannot understand why I wasn't struck right down dead. Yes, and being struck dead would look like a day in the country, compared to struggling out a dance with
this boy. But what could I do? Everyone
else at the table had got up to dance, except him and me. There was I, trapped.
Trapped like a trap in a trap.
What can you say, when a man asks you to dance with him? I most certainly will not dance with, I'll see you in hell first. Why, thank you, I’d like to awfully, but I'm having labor pains.
Oh, yes, do let's dance together--it's so nice to meet a man who isn't a scaredy-cat
about catching my beri--beri. No. There
was nothing for me to do but say I'd adore to. Well, we might as well get it
over with. All right, Cannonball, let's run out on the field. You won the toss; you can lead.
Why I think it's more of a waltz, really.
Isn't it? We might just listen to the music a second. Shall we? Oh, yes, it's a waltz. Mind? Why, I'm simply thrilled. I'd love to waltz with you.
I'd love to waltz with you. I'd love to waltz with you. I'd love to have my tonsils out. I'd love to be in a midnight
fire at sea. Well, it's too late now. We're getting under way. Oh. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, dear, dear. Oh, this is even worse that I thought it would be. I suppose
that's the one dependable law of life-- everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be. Oh, if I had any real
grasp of what this dance would be like, I'd have held out for sitting it out. Well,
it will probably amount to the same thing in the end. We'll be sitting it out
on the floor in a minute. If he keeps this up.
I'm so glad I brought it to his attention that this is a waltz they're playing.
Heaven knows what might have happened, if he had thought it was something fast; we'd have blown the sides right off
the building. Why does he always want to be somewhere that he isn't? Why can't we stay in one place just long enough to get acclimated?
It's this constant rush, rush, rush, that's the curse of American life. That's
the reason that we're all of us so--Ow! For
God's sake, don't kick, you idiot; this is only second down. Oh, my shin. My poor, poor shin, that I've had ever since
I was a little girl!
Oh, no, no, no. Goodness, no. It didn't hurt the least little bit. And
anyway it was my fault. Really it was.
Truly. Well, you're just being sweet, to say that. It really was all my fault.
I wonder what I'd better do--kill him this instant, with my naked hands, or wait and let him drop to his senses. Maybe it's best not to make a scene. I
guess I'll just lie low, and watch the pace get him. He can't keep this up indefinitely--he's
only flesh and blood. Die he must, and die he shall, for what he did to me. I
don't want to be of the over-sensitive type, but you can't tell me that kick was unpremeditated. Freud says there are no accidents. I've lead no cloistered
life. I've known dancing partners who have spoiled my shoes and turned my dress;
but when it comes to kicking, I am Outraged Woman. When you kick me in the shin,
Maybe he didn't do it maliciously. Maybe it's just his way of showing
he is high spirits. I suppose I ought to be glad that one of us is having such
a good time. I suppose I ought to think myself lucky if he brings me back alive. Maybe it's captious to demand of a practically strange man that he leave your shins
as he found them. After all, the poor boy's doing the best he can. Probably he
grew up in the hill country, and never had no larnin'. I bet they had to throw
him on his back to get shoes on him.
Yes, it's lovely, isn't it? It's
simply lovely. It's the loveliest waltz. Isn't it? Oh, I think it's lovely, too.
Why, I'm getting positively drawn to the Triple Threat here. He's my hero.
He has the heart of a lion, and the sinews of a buffalo. Look at him--never
a thought of the consequences, never afraid of his face, hurling himself into every scrimmage, eyes shining, cheeks ablaze. And shall it be said that I hung back? No,
a thousand times no. What's it to me if I have to spend the next couple of years
in a plaster cast? Come on, Butch, right through them! Who wants to live forever? Oh. Oh, dear. Oh, he's all right, thank goodness. For a while I thought they'd
have to carry him off the field. Ah, I couldn't bear to have anything happen
to him. I love him. I love him better
than anybody in the world. Look at the spirit he gets into a dreary, commonplace
waltz; how effete the other dancers seem, beside him. He is youth and vigor and
courage, he is peasant! What do you think I am, anyway--a gangplank? Ow!
No, of course it didn't hurt. Why,
it didn't a bit. Honestly. And it was all my fault. You see, that little step of yours--well, it's a perfectly lovely, but it's just a tiny bit tricky to follow
at first. Oh, did you work it up yourself?
You really did? Well, weren't you amazing?
Oh, now I think I've got it. Oh, I think it's lovely. I was watching you do it when you were dancing before. It's awfully effective when you look at it.
It's awfully effective when you look at it. I bet I'm awfully effective
when you look at me. My hair is hanging along my cheeks, my skirt is swaddling
about me, I can feel the cold damp of my brow. I must look like something out
of "The Fall of the House of Usher". This sort of thing takes a fearful toll
of a woman my age. And he worked up his little step himself, he with his degenerate
cunning. And it was just a tiny bit tricky at first, but now I think I've got
it. Two stumbles, slip, and a twenty-yard dash; yes. I've got it. I've got several
other things, too, including a shin split and a bitter heart. I hate this creature
I'm chained to. I hated him the moment I saw his leering, bestial face. And here I've been locked in his noxious embrace for the thirty-five years this waltz
has lasted. Is that orchestra never going to stop playing? Or must this obscene travesty of a dance go on until hell burns out?
Oh, they're going to play another encore. Oh, goody. Oh, that's lovely. Tired?
I should say I'm not tired. I'd like to go on like this forever.
I should say I'm not tired. I'm dead, that's all I am. Dead, and in what a cause! And the music is never going to
stop playing and we're going on like this, Double-Time Charlie and I, throughout eternity.
I suppose I won't care any more, after first hundred thousand years. I
suppose nothing will matter then, not heat nor pain nor broken heart nor cruel, aching weariness. Well, it can't come too soon for me.
I wonder why I didn't tell him I was tired. I wonder why I didn't
suggest going back to the table. I could have said let's just listen to the music. Yes, and if he would, that would be the first bit of attention he has given it all
evening. George Jean Nathan said that the lovely rhythms of the waltz should
be listened to its stillness and not be accompanied by strange gyrations of the human body.
I think that's what he said. I think it was George Jean Nathan. Anyhow,
whatever he said and whoever he was and whatever he's doing now, he's better off than I am.
That's safe. Anybody who isn't waltzing with this Mrs. OLeary's cow I've
got here is having a good time. Still if we were back at the table, I'd probably have to talk to him. Look at him--what could you say to a thing like that! Did
you go to the circus this year, what's your favorite kind of ice-cream, how do you spell cat?
I guess I'm as well off here. As well off as if I were in a cement mixer
in full action.
I'm past all feeling now. The only way I can tell when he steps on
me is that I can hear the splintering of bones. And all the events of my life
are passing before my eyes. There was the time I was in a hurricane in the West
Indies, there was the day I got my head cut open in the taxi smash, there was the night the drunken lady threw a bronze ash-tray
at her own true love and got me instead, there was that summer that the sailboat kept capsizing. Ah, what an easy, peaceful time was mine, until I fell in with Swifty, here. I didn't know what trouble was, before I got drawn into this danse
macabre. I think my mind is beginning to wander. It almost seems to me as
if the orchestra were stopping. It couldn't be, of course; it could never, never
be. And yet in my ears there is a silence like the sound of angel voices. . .
Oh, they've stopped, the mean things.
They're not going to play any more. Oh, darn. Oh do you think they would? Do you really think so, if you
gave them twenty dollars? Oh, that would be lovely. And look, do tell them to play this same thing. I'd simply
adore to go on waltzing.